Most of the time, it's a good idea not to have anyone yapping in your ear. You probably should not be waxing lyrical while careering down a rain-slick highway; and it's rude to talk to absent friends when present ones are loitering in your immediate vicinity. This, of course, doesn't stop anybody from using their cell in cars or restaurants. It can make a zero feel like a number-one winner to engage in a loud discussion with an on-line ex-wife in a posh french eatery. Those people at table number two aren't thinking you're an idiot; they're staring out of envy for your sexy little Nokia and your rash, ruthless manner.

Of course, driving while under the influence of a phone call is entirely acceptable. That's why governments all over the globe are examining legislation to ban the practice. That's why Australia and New Zealand have already outlawed the use of phones while operating moving vehicles. That's why studies have shown a 34% increase in the risk of car accidents for drivers who call and drive.

So what is to be done? How can we few remaining, unconnected rebels battle the influence of this pernicious wireless virus? As with any successful uprising, we must first unite. In order to unite, we must be able to keep in touch -- like, anytime and anywhere, man. Our first act of union, then, must be to buy up a few of those "cellphone" things. After that, we can discuss how to rid the world of the annoying little buggers -- discuss it anytime, and anywhere.